I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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