Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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