I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
