Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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