All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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