God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
