She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
