at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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