Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
