my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
