I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
