i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
it glows. i had to have it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
