the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
