Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
