Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
