She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
