Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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