is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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