I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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