Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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