ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
