I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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