Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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