last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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