The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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