you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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