when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I supernannyed him into submission
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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