I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize