Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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