I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i've created a new STD.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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