Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
