OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
this hospital has no fireball
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
