I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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