the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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