I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
