Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
