I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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