Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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