I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
