I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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