Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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