you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
