he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
