It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
