I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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