I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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