i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
