I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
