Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
