i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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