We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
