My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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