just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
