You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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