I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
