Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
