Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
