So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
