I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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