And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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