i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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