Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
