Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
