i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's shark week go big or go home
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
